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He contemplated Jacob's face, worry painted on it once more. He couldn't bare the sight, but he realized he couldn't bare the words that flew out of the merc's mouth even more. He remained silent, during the entire time Jacob spoke. He could feel the fire in his chest rise, believing it was anger at first. He didn't know what to say at first, only answering in his mind to everything Jacob said. When he said that he took away Jacob's safety, he was talking about much earlier, when he talked to Ruby and Jacob at the masquerade, when he became curious. He couldn't believe Jacob felt so guilty, and at this moment he realized, all three of them, probably blamed themselves about everything that happened. And in Jacob's last words, he recognized his own. I'm too selfish for that, exactly what he thought every time he considered stopping everything, backing away from Ruby and Jacob, saying goodbye for good. He was too selfish to do so, knowing he wouldn't be able to live the same way without them, that it would change him for the worst. They made him feel alive, and that was a truth, a reality that stuck to him for quite some time now. He had been dead before finding them, a husk doing a cop's job. But now that he had the opportunity to be with them, things had to get in the way to make him doubt and fear.

Jacob continued to speak, his hand reaching out to Max's own. The cop didn't push him away, frozen with a confused look on his face, worry tainting partially his eyes. Leave Jacob? Since when had the man's words ever strike his mind so harshly, like a knife on his flesh, a whip in his back. His eyes searched Jacob's own, trying to understand why he was on the verge of pleading for him to stay. But he couldn't see anything, his eyes betraying him, his mind racing with Jacob's words, turning them over and over until he was done talking. He could barely feel the cuffed grip around his wrist, his attention resting solely on the man's words and eyes. He could understand that Jacob was ready to help him in all his misery, no matter what, and he could now see in those brown eyes that he wasn't fearing what may come, that whatever the obstacle he would be there for him and Ruby. He hadn't seen so much care in those eyes ever before. A distressed care, an alarmed one of someone afraid to lose a loved one. The I, at the end of Jacob's sentence told Max that he wished to say that he loved Max as well. What type of love, the cop couldn't know, but he could see in those eyes that he wished to say it even if he couldn't.

Everything the man was saying simply shackled Max to him at each word, forcing him to remain, perhaps wishing to hear more, but mostly because he was ready to do everything Jacob had said, if it meant being with him and Ruby. To hell with his fear, it was standing in the way of what he wanted and in the way of what Jacob seemed to want. He understood that he had been a great help to Ruby by being the shoulder she needed in difficult times, and he believed that he may be, in some way, Jacob's crutch. They were all three of them a drug to each other, unable to stop despite the danger. But in the end, they could all swear they lived.

No words came out of Madden's mouth, instead he broke down a barrier he believed would never fall down. His hand, cuffed by Jacob's own held the man's while his free one quickly reached for his neck, his thumb along his jawline while his fingers gently dug into the skin of the neck. He shifted on the couch, moving closer to Jacob in a split second, his thumb waving across his cheek to his ear as his lips came upon the man's own. He could feel guilty about that action, but the truth was that he had wanted it for a long time, and that his selfish self threw away all his piles of morals and good judgment to get this one desire off of his mind. His eyes were half closed, his jaw firm as he kissed Jacob, the fire he believed to be anger, turned out to be passion mixed with many other things that crossed his panel of feelings that night. The residue of his past anger was patterned in his kiss, but his mind was blurred with the fury of the action, forbidding him to fully realize the measure of his actions.

Sorry for the door

Max felt the grip around him tighten. His own hands were simply resting on his legs, holding the empty glass of water. He didn't know how Jacob showcased his friendship, but right now Max believed he was doing a pretty good job. And he was doing an even better job at making the man feel safe, which was a hard thing to accomplish in the first place. Did he feel like crying or screaming his lungs out? Maybe a part of him did, but the part of him he was currently using didn't. The part of him in which he stood now simply wanted to be with Jacob, feel his warmth, allow the man to keep him close, comfort him and reassure him in return.

He felt strange to accept Jacob's embrace, and even wish for more. Even with Ruby he hated to have to show weakness. It was like he was the one supposed to be strong for both of them all the time and keep his wits to control the situation. Even when he was at the hospital he hated the worried faces both of the criminals gave him, but he couldn't do anything about it. His state was just pity full, and he had no way at the time to show a stronger self. But now that he did have the occasion to do so, to be a monument of strength in front of Jacob, he just didn't want to. He wished he could just crumble in the man's arms, die, be reborn, die and be reborn again of his ashes. He wrapped his arms around the man's waist, setting the glass on the small table.

It was a way of showing the man his gratitude, but also a way to hide his face in case his control broke and he couldn't keep a straight face anymore. His face in the crook of the man's neck, his breath even and regular as he spoke, a little base in his throat. "I'm okay. I'll be fine don't worry. It will take time but I...think I can get past this." he then added "You are a good help, just don't worry too much. Imagine that all this is a dramatisation of reality, and that the truth under it is not as awful sounding." and that was an awful lie, a beautiful and awful lie. He should have known Jacob could see right through it, but it was his way of trying to reassure Jacob. It was all he had, Jacob's presence to hand onto right now so he could eventually move on.

Sorry for the door

Jacob said that he trusted both him and Ruby, and to Max that was good enough. He hadn't heard the man say it before, but from now on he shall trust him with a renewed eye. Before, he used to always be a little careful of how he trusted Jacob, how much he was ready to put between his hands. But the merc had proved countless times now that he was trustworthy, one of the rare people Max could trust so much along with Ruby. And even Ruby, with her constant tricks (even for fun) he had a harder time fully trusting her. He wanted to, he deeply did, but his instincts ordered him never to fully do so, never to become blind. "It's nice to know you trust us." he spoke, sincerity in his eyes.

As Jacob spoke about the masks, the cop did indeed notice two on the shelf behind the couch. The famous gas mask and, to his surprise, the Japanese mask the cop gave him for his birthday. He believed it must be true, that having a bunch of masks on one wall would be incredibly ugly unless you lived in a museum. And rather intimidating. Masks often showed special meanings and expressions that were meant to be scary or intimidating, and he believed most of Jacob's masks were exactly that way. He nodded an agreement to the man's statements. "You'll have to show me some time. I'm curious to see what other masks you own so I can always recognize you. Even without the hair." he ran a hand through his own hair, the feeling being remarkably enjoyable. It felt like he left a lot of his own brain heat escape at the movement, relieving his mind from a small headache.

As he forced Jacob to sit down he leaned back a little further into the couch, the man's words surprising him a little bit. He wasn't expecting to have to answer for that action, and so he looked at the man a moment. Having something alive next to him, with body heat and a beating heart, reminded him that he wasn't going to kill all the living because he killed one. He chuckled nervously, out of a pulsion before taking the glass of water on the coffee table, drinking down the painkiller pill, and drinking the rest of the water while at it. He hadn't realized how thirsty he had been, the liquid slid down his throat in a nice way. He still wished that a beer may have been nice as well. Heck, he still believed that he should be drinking himself drunk right now instead of joking around with Jacob.

The man leaned back into the couch, his head kicked back while the empty glass remained in his hand. Max wished he could control his impulsive actions more, so many of them had been the source of his problems, starting with agreeing to take drugs in New York. It's just for once, he said, it won't affect me he said. That's what the others said too, and he believed them. After questioning himself over and over during the past month, he still wasn't able to convince himself not to kill Jack White. A part of him believed he could have been able to lock him up, like a good PD officer. But the rest of him believed that there was no way he could have accomplished that. Lack of confidence, an issue he wished he didn't have to deal with.

Jacob was there, helping him out, telling him he trusted him, inviting him in his home, he saved him three times and still to this day Max couldn't bring himself to confess. Since when did he even need to? Since today, yesterday, the month before, the year before? Since when did he start to see the man differently, with no hint of joke or play? He couldn't tell, and he didn't look for a way to tell. He leaned his head on the man's shoulder, his eyes lost again, thinking of tonight and what happened, thinking of what tomorrow's weather will be and how he will manage to survive the rain...

Sorry for the door

A poor little IT tech who wore glasses and was the most shy person on earth. That image made Max laugh a little more. He shook his head in disbelief but did not add anything to it. His laughter remained on a nervous edge, using it as a device to keep himself together. He was with Jacob, not the police. The man knew what he had done and even saw it. So he couldn't bring himself to make Jacob feel guilt or worry for him when it was obvious he was doing his possible to make the cop feel better.

Max believed Jacob's thanks, sure that he meant it. He nodded in agreement, not finding any words to tell Jacob how much he counted to him, which explained why he did what he did. He thought a moment of what he could answer the man regarding why he didn't tell him until now. A part of him forgot, but the rest of him just believed it wasn't necessary. "I wanted to let you tell us where you lived. By yourself. I trust you, and I was waiting for you to trust us enough to tell us." of course he knew Jacob had some trust issues, but he didn't blame him. And the fact that he invited him in today was a nice way to close the case and make Max believe the merc trusted him as well. He shrugged, the hole ordeal being not of any big importance today. A home was a home, a personal space, a safe haven. He didn't want to violate the only place where, perhaps, Jacob feels the safest.

Once inside the house he looked around once more, able to see it in another light. He looked in the direction of what appeared to be the kitchen, knowing there must be a beer or two there somewhere. He would have kept his mind away from it if Jacob didn't ask if he wanted something the next second. He thought for a second, looking at the man before answering. "You got any beers? Don't let me get drunk but I think that one or two will do me some good." he would then go to sit on Jacob's couch, a loud sigh escaping his mouth. Stupid leg. His hands reached to the calf, holding it to massage it a little. He felt bad for simply going to sit on Jacob's couch without being invited to, but the pain had become more than he needed right now.

Sorry for the door

The car drove calmly as they headed to Jacob's place. It had surprised Max that he would be willing to get back there, and to him it was a sign that Jacob wasn't yet fully reassured at the thought of leaving him alone for the night. It was understanding and Madden knew he would do the same. However he did shoot a curious look at the man, mixed with surprise as his address was spoken. So it didn't bother him that Max found out about his little den. He didn't intend to tell anyone about it, not even Ruby. He had found it by accident quite frankly, a twist of fate. If Jacob wanted to tell their blonde girl where he lived, then it was up to him, Max would have no part in that.

He could sense Jacob's wish to be close to him, their arms touching in an electric sensation. Max wondered if Jacob was tired, if he was sleeping when he knocked on his door earlier. He didn't look exhausted but he sure looked like some sleep wouldn't be a bad thing for him. The cop didn't believe he would be able to sleep at all tonight, and until Jacob spoke again, he thought he was going to walk back home and crash into his own couch, petting Lucius until morning and not show up at the PD. He looked at the man, tearing his eyes away from the window as Jacob's soft voice whispered in the cab. What did Max need to do to fully reassure him that he was going to be okay?

It seemed that being there, next to the man was a good start. A reassuring gesture, it was supposed to be just that, as he took the man's hand in his own, shaking it gently. It reminded him of the hospital, when he was barely able to do such a simple gesture. He simply shook his head, not really knowing how he could answer without going into lengthy explanations that Jacob was the one who had the power in his hands, that he decided who could go in his house or not, if he wanted to keep and eye on him or not...

He felt like he could rest his head on Jacob's shoulder, and the man wouldn't complain. But he remained with his head back into the seat, looking at the eyes of the cab driver through the rear mirror. He knew he must have given them a few glances, and for once Max didn't feel like it could have bothered him. He was no longer covered in blood, he wasn't wounded, he didn't have a gun pointed at his head. All he was doing was holding a man's hand, and the world could believe whatever they wanted about it, he wouldn't give a damn.

After a while the cab parked in front of Jacob's place and Max walked out of the car. His leg was still not doing so well, and he felt like sitting right back down as soon as he placed weight on it while getting out the car. He showed no sign of bother however and would make his way up the stairs without any complaints if they headed up now. "You want to know how I found out where you lived? Turns out one of your neighbors had been harassing the PD for months now. The PD didn't do anything about it until the folder came on my desk. 'Often carries masks'? I came by to reassure your neighbor then left since it wasn't very hard for me to know who it was." he smiled slightly at the good memory, winking once at Jacob whenever their eyes met again.

Sorry for the door

That was what Max wanted to hear. All of his guilt didn't leave, but he already felt much better following Jacob's words. The way he held him was also helping him, making him feel he wasn't alone in this, and that the merc was there to support his choice. "I like the way you think" his voice was a little cracked, but it still felt strong, like steel heated up but still unwilling to bend. To him, Jacob was right, like many times before. The only thing keeping him from completely feeling better were his moralities, but what were morals once you are dead? Max didn't need to kill more, all he did tonight was to protect those he loved from dying or feeling the pain he felt. For some miracle, Jacob's words did more to the cop than anyone could imagine or see. Max now understood the man's ways in life, why he killed and why he did his job. It was to live, and kill before he was killed. If he stuck to killing other mercenaries or people who could threaten other people's lives, then Max could agree with his ways.

He didn't wish for it, but his affection for Jacob had grown over the past few weeks, months to stages he thought had been destroyed. The way he held him, he couldn't help but remember what used to be another life, a long time ago. The warmth, scale, muscles, tension yet softness, the breathing, it all soothed him but also set off an alarming voice in his mind. Responding to that, he slowly left his hands slide from the man's back to his shoulders, removing his head from the crook of his neck. He looked at him in the eyes, his gaze seemed to want to escape, perhaps afraid Jacob will see something in there he didn't want him to.

There was still gratitude in those eyes, and the brazier from before was nearly gone. The steel was still there, a hardness in the blue orbs that may take the rest of the night before it left. There was something else there too, not very identifiable yet, lurking in a corner. His chest rose evenly but high, his way to dealing with his personal pressure. He had calmed down a great deal in the last 5 minutes, so his present panic and pressure was a weak one. He gently squeezed Jacob's shoulders where his hands rested, in some sort of reassuring gesture, to tell him he will be alright, despite the fact that it didn't look like it. "Sorry for stealing your kill..." he said, trying to smile a bit for the sake of the dark humor, only one side of his mouth raising in a smile, pulling the other with it.

Sorry hugging took so long