Some body needs help [Max]

Deep down, he felt like he knew the way things would end tonight. He would probably end up leaving with the knowledge that Jacob doesn't want anything to do with him. The mercenary looked away, letting out a strange sound, but not speaking for a while. Did Max just finish cutting bridges with the two only people he cared about? It was never his intention to do so. With those weeks all alone, he had realized how much he needed both Ruby and Jacob's presence around him, to keep him from doing something stupid. And stupid things he had done, including the killing of Jack White. He could have gone to Ruby for help, but after their talk, more like fight, at the hospital, he was convinced she wouldn't want to see him again. If it weren't for that, Madden would have gone to the woman rather than Jacob. That way he didn't have to get his hands dirty with the cop's mistakes again.

And then Jacob spoke, and all that Max was able to keep stable, crumbled upon him. The intensity in his eyes immediately faded away as he looked down at his hands. He still saw the blood there, or so he thought. Under the nails, staining the skin in a tanned manner. He did not know what to tell Jacob about what happened with Ruby. Did he even know? Did Ruby tell him about it? Would Jacob have accepted him in his house so easily if he knew? The cop didn't think so. Again, he wished to think further of his words, remaining silent as he put the pieces together, wondering if he should tell a lie, a partial truth, or the full truth. He exhaled, his breath silent as a frown drew itself on his face. She hates me. Is that what he should say?

No. The full truth it was then. Keeping his head low, guilt raging inside him he spoke, trying to explain what happened at the hospital in simple words. "A few days before I came out of the hospital, Ruby gave me a visit. We talked about what had happened at the slaughterhouse." he paused, unsure how to go further with the story. He was slowly bracing himself for when he would end his telling. Jacob loved Ruby as much as he did, if not more. He didn't know if the man would hold his wrath back, or let it all go, unleashing his anger upon the cop. "I wanted to protect her. Keep her away from putting herself in danger for me again. So I told her everything we had was wrong. I told her that we should keep our distances, that we could still see each other, but that for her safety and mine, we had to keep a lower profile..." he paused once more. It was hard to believe, that from that they could have had a fight. Max had been stubborn and so had Ruby, so in the end, they both stood their ground, and it ended in the worst way possible. "She didn't take it well, and we ended up yelling at each other...She has avoided me since." he didn't know how to make it clear that Ruby was hating him, unless he plainly said it.

He rose his eyes up, his heartbeat was uneven as he looked in Jacob's eyes, but unlike before, he was unable to keep the contact and lowered his gaze after a second. "I didn't want to hurt her. I still don't want to hurt her..." but it was too late. The harm was done, and at this point, even apologies seemed to be a poor defense. He had never intended to make it seem like he used the woman, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized what he did was exactly that. It didn't change anything that he loved her, what he had done was unforgivable. He had led her on, and in a way he had led himself on as well. He had tried out a relationship he was afraid to see take a definite path. He was afraid that Ruby wouldn't love him in return at first, that she wasn't interested in any long term relationships. And they had even agreed that they didn't want anything of the sort! On Jacob's birthday they spoke about how they didn't want to head into anything serious. Max believed they had sorted it all out by the exclusives title. Guilt was drowning the man, even more now that he talked to Jacob about it. But now Jacob will think he was the third wheel, the one to save the situation by being there for Max's own needs. The thought that the merc could even begin to think that ripped Madden's heart appart. Even so that he felt the urge to assure the man it wasn't the case, out of fear and panic. But the words were blocked in his throat as he looked up once more.

Sorry for the door

Jacob's harsh words threw a spear through Max, locking him on the couch, abruptly lowering his head like an animal being yelled at. He didn't expect Jacob to want him to answer to that first question after the bomb fell. It sounded more like the man was initiating his wrath with a sentence to strike the cop still. And strike him still it did. He didn't need to look up at Jacob to know he was angry. All the anger in the man was carried in his voice, licking the air like fire. He flinched as he suddenly got up from the couch to pace around the living room. At each step, Max's awareness that he was as good as dead right now became clearer. Two people, whom he had befriended, helped out, fallen in love with their personalities, quirks and flaws, he had betrayed. Many people say that betrayal is the worst crime ever to be accomplished in the world of men. And at this point, Max wished he could go back in time, go to the Jacob he met at the harbor, and let him kill him. But he was in front of a Jacob who had changed, and who won't kill him.

His eyes rose up to Jacob slowly as the man started to yell, crying out what Madden had been repeating himself all along. The question was always why, and it was the most frustrating thing he could go up against. He couldn't answer, but he knew he had to. As much as he flinched earlier, he did not flinch when Jacob stepped towards him quickly, menacing to throw away any affection he had for the cop to break him. Max could fall down, accept his mistakes, be miserable, cry on the floor, whatever would make him look like the stupid and pathetic human being he is. But he had done enough harm, and curling up in a corner was not how he would fix the problems he created. He had to fix this, by any means possible.

"I told you no bullshit. I was going to go but you wouldn't let me. Because you are so damn afraid I might hurt myself! I told you the truth. I legitimately like you, more than I have allowed myself to in a long time with a man." he couldn't help it, but his voice rose, and so did he, standing up from the couch, unable to see himself as the scolded kid anymore, nor the pup who ate his master's shoes and was now scolded with a roll of newspaper. His fears that Jacob may believe he was the third wheel were confirmed, bringing Max's anger to rise again for letting all this happen. He shook his head, anger in his eyes as he spoke with a deep voice, filled with sincerity but also the pain Jacob's words inflicted him. "I did not come to you because you were all I had. I came to you because I__" a hushed 'putain' followed the cut off sentence, as he could not find the right words to say. The fear of saying something that would break everything even more was tensing up all of his muscles, his jaw clenched painfully.

"I want BOTH of you to be safe, to stop killing and_ gn_ I can't protect you because of the BULLSHIT I DO!" at this point he believed the neighbors may be listening, and he closed his eyes, forming words in his mind before speaking them more calmly, taking time to gather back his senses and stop the bull from seeing red. "You...you made me love you when I didn't want to." he didn't want this to end like it ended with Ruby. He wanted to find the courage to march until the end of the line, and so he forced himself to talk more. "I need help. Help me fix this I beg you..." that last sentence was meant to mean he wished to get help to fix the bridge he destroyed with Ruby, and at this point he didn't believe he could fix anything by himself. His eyes were red, but they showed a determination that wasn't there before.

Sorry for the door

As he stood, the tension in his body made his calf ache, but not only. It felt like all the scars on his body were set on fire, marked with white metal once more. He was so angry with himself he felt like he needed to step under a cold shower to cool his entire self. His heart was racing without stopping, time flew by without letting him or Jacob catch up. He felt like catching the nearest object and slam it onto the floor. He wished he could break his own fists, bone after bone. It was like a thousand voices grew around him, telling him how wrong he had gone. He couldn't even believe how south everything went because of his words. He wished he could be mute, that his tongue had been ripped out so that only his actions mattered and not his words.

The thought of speaking french almost made him do just that, speak in his native language to make things come out easier. But what was the point if he understood but not Jacob? Following Jacob's first sentence about the fact that Max kissed him instead of leaving, Max's voice rose once more. "And I would do it again! Even if it weren't for Jack White's stupid actions I would have still done it. I didn't do it because I'm stupid or desperately searching for affection!" he avoided saying that he killed Jack White, for the sake of the neighbors listening. But it didn't stop him from crying out his words. To him the present situation didn't matter, this kiss would have ended up happening if they kept on going like this. Everything Jacob said over the past months, the things he did, the looks he gave, it all led to this, but nothing else did.

Jacob's words shot true, and left Max speechless. Just like Ruby before, he was telling him that no matter what, they couldn't shelter each other from the dangers of this world. The truth was that Ruby had as much chance to die in a car accident than shot by some gangster. And same went for Jacob. Why had Max been so stubborn to believe the world could be something it wasn't? All this time he had been a stupid idealist who wished to see the people he loved protected in some sort of safety bubble. But the truth was, that if he had pushed them both before he was kidnapped and brought for slaughter, he would be dead. If they never met, Ruby would have died in the hands of Shaun, or worse. If all this never happened, if he wasn't friends with them, Ruby wouldn't have been able to call him that night at the hotel, and Jacob would be dead. The realization of all this hit Madden like a train, rendering him silent. He looked away, somewhere on the floor on Jacob's right, his eyes completely lost.

The merc spoke again, and this time the anger seemed to have withered down. The surprise of it made Max raise his eyes slowly. And the first thing that crossed his mind when the man finished was, Jacob had feelings for him? And it mattered to him?! Max never thought the merc would have feelings for him, but he could have never even imagined that those feelings could matter to Jacob. He always believed that Jacob was the type to push such things away for whatever reason. Did Max's confession do this? "I don't know how to fix this..." he paused, relaxing his clenched fists before speaking again. "I_can't think_ I can't_ I don't know_ I'm..." his eyes were wandering elsewhere again as he bit his lips, starting to pace around like Jacob before him, his hands touching each other nervously, running on his neck, into his hair, chin, arm. How could he tell if this was some stupid phase about Jacob, or if he was unwilling to be who he was again? Last time he loved a man, he was the one who ended up broken. But Jacob was right. What if he and Ruby reconciled each other, what then? One could argue they never were a couple, but that was a poor excuse to Madden's mind.

"I_Wouldn't be able to forget...I haven't lied about what I feel. But I'm_" his voice cracked as the pressure in his head started to grow, starting with his throat. He felt his eyes swell with water, his face was red and his fists were clenched again. "...I'm afraid to hurt Ruby again." he had no idea of the wreck she was at this point, and if he knew his fear would only grown to unbearable measures. He took a deep breath, clenching his jaw to hide the shakes in it. "But you are right about protecting." he was able to admit Jacob's earlier words convinced him. "If it weren't for_us, none of us would be alive...."

Sorry

Max wanted to yell at the man to tell him he believed him. That despite what he had done to Ruby, despite the lies he told her to keep her away from him, he meant everything he told and did to Jacob. The cop could understand the man's hesitation, were he in his place, he would've had a very hard time to swallow anything told. He was a detective, and his job was to take out information from others, and it appears he had done that with both Ruby and Jacob. He had learned that they both felt something for him, that there may be more than just friendship between him and Jacob, and that Ruby hoped to go further with him than being a simple bedside buddy. It hurt him deeply that he hadn't seen it earlier, for both of them. Maybe then would he have made better choices.

It would be easy to cower away under Jacob's angry eyes. Never had Max seen him so angry, so involved in the situation. Another mask fell in this moment, and Max was the only one to see it. He feared the man's wrath, but strangely enough he did not fear that he could hurt him. He wished to scold himself for believing one second that Jacob would never hurt him again, but at the same time he trusted the man with his life and could only imagine that if the merc hurt him or Ruby, that it would hurt him in return. Madden made them both care enough that they came to a point where hurting one another only hurt themselves more. The pain he had inflicted Ruby haunted his every night, and the pain he was giving to Jacob now would surely haunt his days. It had to stop.

Jacob sat down on the couch abruptly, leaving Max standing alone. With his head between his hands, it was clear he was dwelling with things bigger than him. He remained silent for a little while as Max stayed up, looking at him without a word. He wished he could wrap his arms around the man, tell him that he'll fix everything, that in the end everyone will be happy with what they have and that all this will be left behind. But he didn't believe that this type of contact would be welcome now. Max truly hoped that at some point, such a gesture will be the only thing they'll want and that will be needed for both of them. Eventually Jacob spoke, and what Max heard felt like a knife slowly sliding between his ribs, taking away his air. "You can't ask me to do the same." his voice had an edge to it, like some anger for how Jacob thought about it all. Jacob never knew about the exclusive talk Max and Ruby had. He loved Ruby, but he had a hard time believing that he could ever have a life with her. That they could ever be that sweet couple with children, living in a nice house, somewhere away from Chicago. It felt like this city couldn't be escaped, and every time he saw Ruby, a part of him couldn't help it but be reminded that the entire world he lived in was but business and blood. He may be wrong, and time may prove him so. But all this, he was unable to admit, fearing it may hurt further than do any good. "Why are you treating me and Ruby like we were ever a couple? Did I unconsciously propose to her that night when we all got drunk and woke up in the same bed?!" with a trembling voice, shook by anger, he added "What you want matters just as much as what I want or what Ruby wants. And so far, I don't know what she wants. I didn't open up to you for the pleasure of messing with your mind Jacob even though you may think I did."

He paused and started to pace as well until Jacob spoke again, his tone had calmed down, but Max knew this wasn't done. Yes he had been late to realize he was wrong, but it wasn't too late to fix it. He stopped pacing and looked at the ceiling before looking down again with a deep quick breath. "You've always been there for me, and you've always been the one to tell me the right thing at the right moment to keep me from straying from the right path. Even now you are doing it. Why?" his tone had calmed down as well, the volume being so much lower than before as he looked at Jacob, the anger in his blue eyes had already started to fade to the point of extinction. He did not wish to fight the man further.

Sorry

What Jacob said was no news to the cop. He had explained it weeks ago to Ruby as well, that every people who saw them simply knew their must be something between them. He was well aware that Ruby cared for him in a way she possibly never did before with someone who wasn't of her family. He loved her so much in return, and he had proven before that he was ready to give his life for her. There had just been one thing, keeping him from ever having his heart beat for her. He didn't use her, he legitimately believed he was in love with her, and even now he still wondered. After kissing Jacob, he found out what had been keeping him from fully giving himself to Ruby, from thinking further than just making her happy, keeping her safe and thinking she didn't want anything more to do with him. He took a deep breath and sat on the couch again, since it seemed to be the safe place, where no one yelled or got truly angry. "There is only one other person I care for as much as Ruby and wish to protect as much as her. There used to be more, but one is still in France and the other doesn't want my care and protection." he realized it was the first time he spoke to Jacob about whom he used to love. Antoine's name had never been spoken in front of him, and he believed not even Ruby knew of the man's name. It didn't matter in the end anyway. "As for the kiss...I've kissed only three people the same way. You were one of the three if that even matters to you." he looked at Jacob, unsure if anything that he said would be believed anymore or not. But did it even matter? At this point he was just trying to give away something, anything that could solve this situation.

Jacob believed he toyed with him, just like Ruby did. It was maddening, that at the smallest of slips, everything could crumble and that words didn't mean anything anymore. It maddened the man so much that he rose from the couch again and stepped in front of Jacob, grabbing his shirt but not lifting him from the couch. He stared into his eyes, determination catching fire somewhere in there. "I want you to believe me, when I say I care about both you, and Ruby. Ruby's Happiness matters as much as yours, but if I cannot make her happy it doesn't matter if I love her or not. I kissed you because it was what I wanted, and I thought it was what you wanted too." the scared sheep was no longer there, instead he decided to make a choice, force himself to take the step forward he had feared to take for a long time.

"So tell me if you want my care and protection? I can't offer eternal life, or shield you forever, but I can care about you until my death. And no matter what you say today I still will care. No matter what you do I'll always have a place in my mind for you." if given the occasion he would let go of Jacob's shirt and take a step back. "I will fix what I did to Ruby regardless of what you say. But I can't be to her what you wish me to be." it hurt to say such a thing, but he had enough of running away. He needed to stop and look around, and take the hand of what he had, stop letting the shadows of a long lost past haunt him.

Sorry

It seemed like anger was no longer clouding their judgments. They were both speaking their mind, and slowly the tension in the air was fainting. Max could feel his tensed muscles relax, and because of the painkillers, he didn't have to worry about his calf. It throbbed, but it didn't hurt. Max felt guilty yet again for letting himself believe for so long that Jacob could simply shut down his emotions like a machine, that somehow emotions didn't affect him. Yet another thing he was wrong about, but it only encouraged him to wish to know even more about the man who saved his life three times already. Maybe tonight was the fourth.

Jacob got up, joining their dance of standing up and sitting, pacing and thinking they have been holding in the past few minutes. The neighbors must believe the fight was done, and may have even gone back to sleep. Max wished he and Jacob could do the same, believing they had been up for long enough. And exhaustion might have been one of the reasons why it had been so hard to talk and keep their calm. The man remained silence, eyeing the merc pace, seemingly considering everything again and again in his head. Until he spoke again.

The side of Jacob he was given now felt strange, eerie. The bunny was telling he was liking someone, which might be Max, Ruby or even both. Out of love and friendship, if loving one of them meant to lose the other, he would pick friendship a thousand times again. He couldn't answer the man's question about why, we humans, love and fall in love. It was an existential question Max couldn't find the answer to. But Jacob didn't push him away, despite all the hesitation he had displayed. And eventually, he said what Max wished to hear. He felt relief inside him, that Jacob was still on his side and that things were not burning in flames yet. What he meant by care and protection, was all Jacob already had from him. Except that now that he knew Jacob wanted it he could give more. However there was an underline to it. After their long discussion, Jacob had proven Max that he had feelings for him, and his words about care and protection also meant that there was a possibility to add affection, love to it. Max believed Jacob understood that. For the sake of finding a balance in their lives again, all three of their lives, he needed to put his feelings on the side.

He looked at Jacob, no words had been spoken yet by him since the man talked. Rendering Max completely speechless was not an easy task, and Jacob probably knew so much. He hesitantly took a step forward, closer to the man, his hands opened. If Jacob would let him, he would pull on his shirt to bring him closer and wrap his arms around him. He wished he could have done more than this, that he could have kissed the man, but as said before, for the sake of making this right, he needed to put his feelings aside and do as Jacob said. He had to fix what he did to Ruby, find a way to apologies. He didn't believe she could ever forgive him, but all he wanted was to be able to give her the care and protection he said he would give Jacob no matter what.

Sorry